Too Cool For Warm-Ups

We all have at least one person at our school who is just too cool for warm-ups. They stroll in late to "accidentally" miss them. They take their time getting changed from street clothes into their gi/no-gi attire. They inexplicably need to use the restroom right when warm-ups start. There's even the guy who participates in the warm ups, but half-asses their way through them.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are exceptions. There's the guy who just finished the previous class and is already warm. But even in that case it would behoove them to at least participate as much as the guy who half-asses it. There's also the person whose work-shift ends 30 minutes before class starts and has to drive in 35 minutes of traffic to get to the gym. But there's always the people who are consistently "missing" warm-ups... these are those who are "Too Cool For Warm-ups."

Let's list some of the Archetypes of this phenomena:

Too Cool for Warm-ups

• The slow-dresser
• Nervous bowel/bladder
• Always late
• Chatty Cathy
• The guy who does his own thing on the side of the mat
• Half an Ass

The Slow Dresser

This person goes back and forth from their gym bag to the changing room several times pretending to have "forgotten" an essential piece of their gym attire in their bag each time. They spend so much time in the changing room that you wonder what they're doing in there.

Are they:

• Sending text messages to their dear old grandma?
• Perhaps they forgot how to tie their gi pants and need to refer to the Rener Gracie video-tutorial on the subject.
• Did they fall asleep?
• Or worse, slip, fall and render themselves unconscious?

Who knows what's going on. All I know is they do this every day during warm-ups and have thus given themselves the title of "Too Cool For Warm-ups."

Nervous Bowel/Bladder

This is the person who stands outside the bathroom with the designated flip-flops for funk-protection on, informing everyone that they're next in line. Sometimes they do the potty-dance and I swear I've caught them discreetly pinching it off. Using the toilet is a legit excuse for missing warm-ups... every once in a while. This person makes it a habit to hold it all day right up to the point when class starts so they can have an excuse not to bump and shrimp down the mat with the rest of their team. Apparently their place of employment has had a plumbing issue for the last year and has been making employees use the field behind the building. They live in a world absent of indoor plumbing so using the gym's toilet is something they look forward to every day and will gladly sacrifice their warm-up routine to do so. For these reasons I have deemed them "Too Cool For Warm-ups."

Always Late

Clocks are hard. Big hand, little hand... second hand. Which is which??! Who can be bothered with learning how to tell time when there are more pressing things to be done... like beating Call of Duty for the 12th time this week. The trick for these guys is finding a different excuse for being late each time. You'd think that they'd just cut their losses and have someone set an alarm for them (since they don't know how to tell time) so they didn't have to hurt themselves thinking about an excuse for the millionth time. Traffic. Car broke down/Bus was late/Bicycle stolen. And my favorite(s): Ninjas/Zombies/Vampires... All excuses I've heard. Is it a coincidence that these guys always tend to show up during the last few stretches of the warm-up routine? That takes some crazy luck, or impeccable timing (wait, they don't know how to tell time). You are late on purpose, and for this reason you are labeled "Too Cool For Warm-ups."

Chatty Cathy

Diarrhea of the mouth. It's a serious problem. These guys have mastered the art of it (if you can call it an 'art'). They arrive to the gym on time, but somehow find someone to talk to instead of getting ready for class. A lot of the time it's "a really important phone call"... or so they make it seem by the feigned look of concern on their face as they're conversing in whispers; or by the fact that they stepped out of the gym to take the call and are pacing in front of the giant windows in front.

We can see you...

The best is when their method of warm-up-avoidance includes chatting up the instructor as they're trying to prepare for class. Asking questions, commenting on previous classes, trying to get the scoop on what's going to be taught today... you name it, they're talking about it. All in the name of "accidentally-on-purpose" missing the warm-ups. The part which makes me laugh about this type, is that they think we're all oblivious to their intent. They're crafty enough to come up with ways of talking someone's ear off, but not crafty enough to realize that it's a thin veil that their hiding behind. You, sir/ma'am, are "Too Cool For Warm-ups."

The guy who does his own thing on the side of the mat

This guy. This guy has the audacity to not only avoid the warm-ups, but presume that his own routine is more effective than what the rest of the group is doing. His little jogging-in-place-while-stretching-his-shoulders/chest technique is far superior to the complete, full-body warm up the rest of us are doing. Cracking your neck a few times and stretching it from side-to-side a few times will definitely keep you from straining it while someone can-opener's you from inside their guard.

Just make sure to stretch that groin... Oh, that's next... look at you go...

I mean, I guess there's a point of diminishing returns when it comes to warming up... but this guy throws caution to the wind and forgoes all of it.

Half an ass

They're only half an ass because they're warming up, but half-assing it. They're jogging along with everyone, but on the inside track. Only bridging half-way up. Not lifting their hips before shrimping. Barely moving their heads during neck exercises. Not quite getting a full stretch. Then they have the audacity to ask why you're so sweaty after "Just warming up." "Never half-ass two things. Full-ass one thing." -Ron Swanson

All of the above

Then there's the guy who arrives late, talks to everyone, needs to pee, gets on the phone, takes forever to get their gi on... then does their own thing on the side of the mat.